Thursday, March 13, 2014

Little Inner War. *Possible Triggers within post*

Before I start writing new posts, I want to share a few posts I wrote over at Fetlife while I was on my, very long blogging hiatus. The first one I would like to share, goes out to all of those who have a little/middle side. I think, in the time since I wrote this post, I've come a long way with it. I will also share the comments I received on it,for they were pretty enlightening. 

I've been thinking about this topic since it happened again, in such a bad way the other night. Between the time of bike ride yesterday, and last night and today I have been trying to look inside of myself with a clear head -and answer the ongoing question of why I have this inner war inside of me of pushing away my little side.

It's a very conflicting feeling, knowing you not only want - but need something, that you continue to push away against and fight.
Is it to be defiant? Absolutely not. I am an imp in many ways, but defiant I usually am not.
With that being said - I will rewind a touch. That moment of being triggered, felt like a serious shut down inside of me. Like I was starting to disconnect myself from it again. Why I think this is happening, is the constant
stress and worry around me... about my Father and being still numb over my grandmothers death, being she was more like a mother to me than anything.. and of course dealing with the never ending family drama that everyone always
insists on trying to put me in the middle of. Even my mother, subconciously (I think) still does this to me.

Wait Moment of huge clarification just hit, in thinking about what I just wrote.. I almost deleted, and
started over, but I think it's important, so I am leaving that - and continuing with the revelation that was just revealed here.
I think while pondering all of this just now, I have had a huge eye opener on why this incident was such an extreme one on my end.... The sudden tears and refusing to put my binkie in my mouth.. then once in, only keeping
it there because I was told to do so. Then spitting out only moments after you fell asleep. I had this urge to throw all my stuffies across the room, and my binkie along with it.. but being all the stuffies that get a place on our bed have a special meaning and place to me, I didn't have the heart. So I lined them up neatly behind me, but for the first time in a very, very long time.. I did not sleep with any of them. I felt angry, and I couldn't stop crying. Which, I rarely cry up till this last Saturday night after the release session, and the new approach that was taken on that. The tight squeezes during, opened a flood gate.

The next morning, the feeling was no better. I pushed it away, like I normally try to do. But I had this very strong urge, to pack everything , and I mean everything, little related - and put them away in a box -if not throw them in the dumpster. I only did not, because I knew I would be in a world of trouble. And, matters were not helped, that via text, I kept defying when being told to get my binkie, and put it in my mouth.

I honestly, only did briefly, and it was quickly back out as I went about my day, with my guts turning and feeling very confused on my sudden, harsh reactions to all the little stuff. I felt, shut down inside with it. Disconnected, but angry and conflicted.
Now, after typing all of this, and my new eye opener.. I am realizing that it's not just the current very bad health state of my father that triggered me. Mothers day, triggered me. While it was a wonderful day, for special
reasons - once home, I got a voice-mail from my mom. It had guilt, in her passive way, all the way through the message. On, why have I not called yet, or texted, and her rambling passive way of doing things. I called her back, to explain I had not been home all day, but had a wonderful night before and day - and that I was planning on calling her in the evening once things were calmed down here for the night. I got her voice-mail, my guts turned, and I tried to put on that chipper tone and wish her a Happy Mothers day. She still has not called me back. So I know she has hurt feelings.

All my life, I have ran to take care of both my mother and father. At 7 even, searching to find my mothers whereabouts for many years when they were unknown. Taking care of my father always, in cooking, cleaning, ironing,
filling out bills, taking care of myself - the house.... him. Dealing with what is, and always be, two men in one.
One, a man with the sense of humor of someone like Chevy Chase, and the charm and wit of someone like Burt Reynolds back in the day. And the other, who had a violent, quick temper, and many issues.. and would lock himself away from us and the world for weeks or longer when things got very bad.

My Mother was here just recently also - so aside the voice-mail, we already have touched base some on the fact that her visiting us here was hard on me, being she took many trips down memory lane while we were out about in town. I was born here, and they lived here 'till things got so bad that she left. She showed me the houses we lived in, the first two... were just houses. Nothing special about them, so I let her go on her memory lane trip, and
listened. The last, as soon as I saw the house... I could see everything inside. The stairs, the furniture.. everything. Even the wallpaper. It was very surreal, looking at the outside of a house that you did not know you would remember, but you suddenly can see everything inside of it, or how it was.
She went on another trip down memory lane, this one being a bad one - and while I have heard bits of the details here and there of the event she was seeing in her own head, I suddenly could see it in my own. I was sitting on
the top of the stairs - looking through the iron bars of the stairwell. They were screaming - so loud it was almost a numbing kind of loud. I had a small blanket that I was chewing on, and watching them, unknown if they
even knew I was there, or cared. My Father had a gun to her head, and everything was so intense, the look in both of them - faces, eyes - I don't recall what was being yelled, just reactions, face expressions. I tried to snap
out of this quick, sudden visual I was having, as she continued to talk about she left and kept driving - she didn't mean to keep going but she did, and kept drinking along the way. She then went missing for the first time
in my life -(and most certainly, not the last) and was finally found way up in the mountains, where she almost was at the point of killing herself, and it was days later before she finally realized she needed to call someone. Meanwhile, no one knew where she was, alive, dead - etc. She was reliving that after horrors in her own head.
I have, since she has been here, been fighting those triggers and memories - along with all the very fresh, and present health issues with my Fathers heart.. and this voice-mail that day, seemed to be a trigger on top of others that just set me off here.
I think, on a very deep, and personal level, during my crying, anger, wtf moment there - is that the rejection was a regression. I was repeating what I know.. or knew.. regressing to a point to where it touched my subconscious... not rebelling, but regressing to what I knew at that age, and even younger when on the stairs, watching the screaming and gun.
I know I have made a lot of progress with things in my past - these actually being minor to a lot of other things that did happen.. but I think what I have touched on here, is the way I handled things at certain ages, and possibly regressing to them, rather the normal regression ways of running to a stuffed animal or binkie. I didn't have a lot of these things growing up, I had to grow up hard, fast and deal with a lot of things that most would never guess I'd been through in my life. While I want the things I missed, the stuffies and etc. I think I am fighting them, because they have never been something that was in my life for long. And one very key phrase that has stuck in my head today has been this...
If I allow myself to be a kid all will fall apart, that is what happened the first time so why should it be any different now? That is what my psyche is screaming at me. This is the key thing, that I need to work on... I think.


*note - I have edited names to just *friend* to protect the privacy of those on my friends list.

Thank you for sharing this. I want to hug you so bad right now

I have much to say....but I've told you my I think you would get an idea of what I plan to say....I'm at work right now...but I will be back to comment.

@Friend Thank you, sweetheart... comments like that help a lot, and make me glad I shared it here. And I would happily take that hug the next time I get to see you! :)
@Friend I knew you would... smile. Big hugs. xo

That mom guilt on mother's day can be a real bitch. Perhaps it will help to know you're not the only one:

well wrote i know it must of been hard to write this and know your not alone hun.
The last few sentences chime with me on a big level with my regression I had to grow up fast and hard and thought if i didn't that everything at home would fall apart. So know you have a extra set of ears if you need them massive huggles xx

@friend lol, thank you for the link and laugh.
@friend The realization of the last was a huge thing today, I think. You cannot continue to work on something, if you do not know the reasons or cause. :) And thank you... very much! xoxo

Hugs,and no need to fight little feelings or things.I'm Just realizing some of what I've always felt and letting it out some.seems to calm me. Sorry for all u have been thru in ur childhood.count ur blessings,u have brattamer and ur the world to him and let him help u.hugs

@friend (smiles) Thank you sweetie - i have made peace with much of my past, still a few skeletons to work on, but i've come a long way for sure. This was more, an eye opener to why i keep fighting this, and what still seems to trigger me here. All a growing progress, for sure. I am glad to hear you are being able to explore this side of yourself, that is wonderful. :))
And yes, i am very thankful, i have many blessings, and much good in my life - which is what makes me want to work hard to resolve things as well.. i do have Tamer, and now also @sparks_cloud, and many many other blessings and wonderfully awesome things in my life. :) Hugs! <3

Holidays always can make u feel things.I usually figure it out past certain holidays.

I stick by what I said earlier, your parents could fuck up a wet dream!

Hugs you very tight :) I'm proud of you for writing this, Tabs :D I hope you can remember that you have your Daddy and, as long as he's with you, he'll keep you safe and make sure nothing falls apart.
and I hate it when parents play the guilt card, so doublehugs

I really think you're on the right track. Rejecting your little first happened WHEN you were little, and that hurt something inside you. As an adult you're trying to fill a need that was denied... If that need someday is fully satisfied you'll still enjoy being little because of the fun and comfort you have adult memories of... although it's quite possible the need to be little never IS completely satisfied.
But rejecting all things little is as self-destructive now as it was then. You aren't alone now though, and that's a very important difference.
@Friend Thank you hon. (hugs) <3
@Friend Doesn't surprise me one bit, we've had many things in common since day one, and always have seemed to think so much alike. I really, thank you, for sharing that here with me - and adding your thoughts and experience in there.. I very much appreciate it. And my inbox is always open to you as well. <3 (hugs tight going your way as well) I am sorry you also, have had a rough path in the past, but know you're an incredible person, and one person I think is to be admired.

That last paragraph, I think that is how I'm feeling too. :((
@Friend Thank you so much, Uncle.. I was hoping to hear your two cents on things. (smiles) And everything you said there, made very much sense.. as always. I have many wonderful people in my life, for that, I am so very happy and thankful for.. and you are very much one of those people.
@Friend (Hugs) :(

hugs I didn't say anything you didn't already know. ;)
Now here's something you aren't ready for... you need to start blaming your parents for what they did to you, and you need to hold them accountable. You can't heal until you stop blaming yourself in your heart for things you had no control of.
@Friend (Big hugs) Well, perhaps - but you always have a way of wording things that always take it that extra needed step in my head for me.
It stings to read that, but I know you're right.. them, and a few other people as well. Not sure how to even start with that one, but having it pointed out helps, so I can recognize it, and figure out just how to do that. :/

Don't stay quiet when they smack you on the nose with a guilt trip. You're not a child anymore.... FIGHT BACK! If it makes them uncomfortable, that's their problem... the truth hurts when you've fucked someone over, and it's time you stopped giving them a free ride for their bad behavior.
Start with 'it really hurt me when you did that to me.' The ONLY acceptable reply is 'I was wrong to do that to you and I'm sorry... is there anything I could do to make it up to you?' Don't accept any other answer. Counter their excuses with 'I was a child and needed your protection, not your problems. As an adult I have my own protection and I still don't need your problems.'

Honey, you know how i feel.
Stay frosty and remember that certain people love you unconditionally.
@Friend ... I had to read that twice, only because it so rings true. Daddy has been trying to help me do things like this over the years here - some, I have gotten better with, but only with certain people.. my Father? I don't know I ever will be able to do so. I have such torn feelings about that man - from all the good and bad that happened... I still end up looking at the point that he kept me, he tried. In my heart, I know that all the other things that happened from him, and the things he let happen, or even once found out happened, didn't get handled in a way they should... I know in my adult, logical mind here - that so so so much that happened was just wrong on so many levels. Geez, obvious Daddy issues, huh? Oh wait, we knew that. (snorts) lol
Ok ok, seriously - I know you are very right, as you usually are, Uncle.. and I know Daddy will very much agree with you. He's been trying to pull me out of that - (make everyone happy, even if my happiness is the cost) mode that I've been in since I was a child for years now. It's time I make this progress, for many many reasons here.
.. sigh. :/
@friend Thank you sweet pea. For more than your comment, and you know what all for.

Sweetheart, you can have all the people around you in the world to help comfort your little. Only one person in the world can DEFEND her. You're still letting her be hurt, and when she hurts more than you can bear you try to make her go away. She'll NEVER feel safe that way.
@Friend :( I know you're right.. and the thought stirs up yet more tears over it - god Im doing to much of this crying crap lately, so unlike me. :/ How do I do that with him though? I am so scared of having yet another death on my shoulders that I cannot move past because of things that didn't get done, or said - or the tragic ways of losing them - like my brothers death. They are only giving him some time at this point.. and his death is going to be next - and even sooner still if all this family drama crap doesn't get kept away from him and his blood pressure keeps sky rocketing. :(

By thinking of your responsibilities, in the order of how much control you have. You have most control of yourself, and your little is the part of yourself that needs your attention and protection.
Next is your children, from youngest to oldest. They need you to be as emotionally solid as you can be so they feel safe and sure of their environment until they have the ability and wisdom to control their own environment.
Next is Tamer, who shares responibility for your children and THEN you.
Now after those responsibilities are met, THEN you can see how much control you really have over the actions of your brothers, parents, whatever... and therefore how much responsibility for their lives or their deaths.
@Friend Again, very well said Uncle. You have given me so much food for thought and as always, the extra guidance I am needing.. thank you, always..

You're very welcome, niece. If there's one lesson you could learn from your parents it's this... when you have no control over yourself, then the ones who depend on you will suffer. So keeping ourselves emotionally healthy is our first and most important responsibility, and one that no one else can fully accept no matter how much they wish they could. (It's just impossible to MAKE people drama free.)
@Friend So, very very true. Thank you again for always being there for me - and offering your wisdom and guidance. I know what to work on, now, and I know what I need to change, and a lot of that change in the end, will be good for me, all the way around, and not just my little side. It all starts with realizations,hm? (big big hugs) xo

xo Yep it does. If you don't realize how you're setting yourself up for frustration, anger, guilt... then you'll always fall for the traps. HUUUUGS

HUGS. What you wrote hit home with me. Totally different situation but my childhood was taken away & I'm still trying to understand why I'm such a child now & why can't I grow up. Thank you for sharing
@Friend I'm glad my sharing can help others.. (smiles) And thank you for commenting to let me know that. My inbox is always open if you ever want to talk or anything. xo <3

Yes but the brat in me kept singing in my head while I was trying to type that last msg.... I don't wanna grow up, I'm a Toys R Us kid they got a million toys at Toys R us that I can play with! lol.
I'm here for ya too if you need to talk/vent <3
@Friend lol! Nothing wrong with that, for sure!!! <3 And thank you, pretty. And hey, I know I haven't gotten to your last inbox message, I haven't forgotten, just have a lot going on in my head right now and a bit behind on doing other things. <3 xo

No worries, hun. Get yourself sorted out. You can only do so much in one day <3

Reading all of the comments here shows how much support you have, here and at home. And your Uncle seems to have a way of verbalizing every thought that I have on this subject.
You did a great job with this princess and it is a big step in the healing process that will lead to a happier life with less doubt and anxiety.
I love you My princess!
@Daddy Thank you, for coming back to this, and adding your thoughts. It means a lot to me. I am very thankful for the support I do have. @Friend has been a rock to me as an Uncle, and does have a very great way at getting things put into words for me as I need to see them. And you, have been my rock since i was 14 years old. i love You too, Daddy. <3

I wont go into it knee deep, instead I will just repeat, what them hippies said.
make love not war
and even if they were wrong on some accounts, on the personal level, especially when dealing with our inner selves
make love, not war
is the way to go
@Friend As my Miss always seems to say, all you need is love. lol. We're both Beatles fans, so that works for me! ;) Thank you for commenting, Mr. ***.. always so enjoy hearing from you! <3

I am sorry this took so long I have been dealing with so much! I move in with Daddy in 2 weeks, I am seeking for another job, and I have 2 new special people in my life…plus lots of other RL things. I have read this posting over and over trying to figure out how I was going to word it, well here it is.
Firstly I love ya girl, and I am right here with you on this internal little’s battle. I have been fighting my little side for almost 7 years. To this day, I still fight her a tad bit, but we are able to live in the same body and be okay. I am still very conflicted on how I can fight and push away something that is a part of me. Something I needed to live.
I find it ironic how much we really have in common. I to fight my little side because I grew up without being able to be a child. The whole coloring, binkies, and all that just wasn’t there. I grew up with a mother whom abused me and molested me. I was a no body, I did not have kid friends to play with, I did not get to play outside, or color. I sat inside and cleaned, cooked and watched the kids. As I grew up I started to hate myself and everything that “childhood” was supposed to represent.
Then I started to feel as though I was going crazy…having different personas that I could not explain, but I could feel they were there. That need to sit down and watch cartoons with a binky in and a stuffie in my arms. I refused to do it though. I thought as a adult it was stupid of me to do that which made me hate my little side. I wanted her gone, I wanted to be an adult without a little voice in my head yelling at me to sit and play with a toy. Every time some bought me something that would make my little side happy I would throw it away. I used to collect stuffed animals, I threw them all away.
Then my alcoholic father who was abusive to me and would scream in my face once he got a beer or two in him. He belittled me and made me feel small and fragile. I HATE that feeling, and I used to think my little side would be small and fragile therefore making me feel vulnerable. I could not have that. I completely blocked her out, I hated her. I hated how she made me feel and how she needed all those “little” things that I resented.
So let me tell you what happened because I disconnected myself from her. I had this unhealing empty spot in my heart. Like a piece of my soul was missing. I was depressed and I hated people. I hated everything. I was more alone then I had ever been. I couldn’t play with my siblings or be apart of anything “kid like” with them. I didn’t do toys, coloring, tv. I hated laughter, and I hated people whom were happy. I could not be happy. I started unhealthy habits and became so depressed I thought about killing myself, more than once.
I then found the lifestyle and saw they spoke about littles and all that…I almost refrained from getting in the lifestyle just because of that. But something in my head told me to go with it. So I did lots of research to understand what the lifestyle was about and how I would fit in. I went with a slave at first, because I grew up feeling like a slave…I cooked, cleaned, serviced anyone, anyway I could and even a smile was praise enough for me. Mind you all thru this I had no little. I had disconnected from her. She had left me. So I found my first Master when I was 19. I was with him 8 months (turned 20 with him). I thought it was the best thing in the world. I felt like I had found my place. I cooked, cleaned, showered him, pleased him in every and all ways that I could. Then it went downhill….he no longer showed that he cared, he longer did anything with me…I was a maid. I was taken for granted and more problems just occurred. I had put myself back into another bad spot. So I left him and came home. Then I found Daddy and this is where everything changed.
Daddy showed me that I was not living a good life, he built me up and talked me through all my problems. The happier I got the more I started to feel my little side returning for a second chance. Daddy bought me color books, and requested me to color some pictures for him. I looked at them and pushed them away. He pushed them back and said “Do it.” Me being the submissive I am and wanting to please I started coloring. My little came back slowly the more I colored. I started to feel better as I colored. Then at home with my siblings I was sitting in the room with cartoons on for my baby sister and I ended up peaking at it, feel in love and started watchin the show daily. The more I watched cartoons, and colored the more happiness I felt come back to me. I could feel my little returning, and it was making me feel whole again. Now 4 months later I would hurt you if you took my colors away. I would cry if I lost my stuffies. I sleep with a binky because it helps me sleep and stay calm. I finally have my little side back after 4 long months of having to re have a childhood shown to me. I realized it is okay to be a little, it is okay to want to sit and color and hold my stuffy by her arm and carry her around.
Now maybe you ask ok…where are you going with this. I say all this because I learned the hard way about disconnecting from her. I had to teach myself how to be a child again so that I can feel whole. I learned that I cannot live without my little side. She is apart of me, and you cannot get rid of who you are. You have to embrace her, and grow with her and teach her and learn from her. You have to understand that it is OKAY to be a little, it is okay to color and play and be goofy just because you can. Put a binky in your mouth and do not remove it, get used to it, embrace it. Color and play stuffed animal wrestling and all other sorts of things….but do not push those things away…they are what make you, you.
I am always here to help you , if you feeling like you might push her away…please come to me…I can help. I have been there. I hope this helped.

Friend - First - never apologize (smiles) Second - i love yas too!
Now to the deeper stuff, I know it wasn't easy for you, to write all this out here, where other people aside from you and I can read it. But, in doing so, please pat yourself on the back and know I am proud of you for being able to do it. I know how hard it was. This post was a huge break through for me. I myself cannot even believe how far i have come with things in just a matter of a few days, between these eye openers, the support from everyone, and the approach my Daddy and Miss has been taking with me since..I am finally getting where I have been fighting to get for a very long time.
I am not doubting, with my inner stubbornness that I will have moments still, where I will try to fight it, I've struggled some already the last few days with trying not to slip back into the fighting habit. When I do, I will remember your advice here,along with the support from everyone,and the key things to why I was fighting it so hard to begin with. It's also been agreed between my Daddy, Miss and me, that it's very effective when they are strict with me, when i start to fight using certain things like my stuffies or binkie and such. That is helping me, a lot.
As for the past - I could go on and on, about how much I relate to so much that you said there. Yes, it is a bit ironic how much we do have in common in some areas. I try to tell myself, though - that with all that I have seen, the abuse, Chris killing himself,the other deaths in my life - it has all made me who I am today, and I see things in a way that some do not. For that small thing, I am grateful for... for I see the little things that get taken advantage of on a daily basis, I stay grateful for the good things I do have, knowing it could be worse - and HAS been much worse in my life.
You're a wonderful gal, and have a lot of wisdom for your age sweetie, and Im very happy we have become such good friends, and will always be here for you also. Thank you for the open door of being there for me always, the same always goes to you as well.
Im proud of you for commenting on this, with such heart felt, and hard words.

@Brat... this is so stunning Lady.. so brave.. what a beautiful woman/child/little you are... and mother's? we all have them..and they love to mess with us.. but we..are stronger, braver, tougher..than they think.. and you are.. Gosh I love you much..
@Friend (gets all mushy and runs over and pounce huggles ******!!) <3 Thank you, lovely lady.. so much, for commenting.. being who you are.. and all the amazing things you do and say. I am so very happy and blessed to have met you! And so very true on the mother thing, lol! I love you too beautiful lady!!! <3<3<3

sending you lots and lots of hugs- your uncle has said it right, and i too need to do the same thing for once and for all...and yes, guilt trips SUCK ASS!i still to this day deal with that
@Friend Thank you sweetie - and yes, my Uncle is wise and always very helpful. (smiles) Hope all is well for you.

I feel like Mr. Owl in the tootsie pop commercial. :D
@Uncle (lol lol!) Or the wise owl in winnie the pooh!!

~all the hugs you can handle~
@friend hugs Thank you, boo. <3 I've made a lot of progress in this area - and really should do an update on this.

*Photo from Deviant Art by FatBottomedGirl*

1 comment:

  1. Oh my goodness. Thank you for sharing. I totally understand passive aggressive mothers with guilt trips. I usually feel like nothing I do is good enough to please her. If she's not happy, then my father isn't happy and I get my ass chewed more than once. I try my hardest to be a good mom to my two minions, but they need me to play with them on their level. Mom would be very displeased with me doing that because she sees it as inappropriate. Only time I'm little is when I'm alone on the phone with Daddy. I can't even when with Daddy in person. Thank you again for sharing!


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